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caroline
Forum Full Member


Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 626
Location: Cheltenham, Gloucestershire - glos-ter-sh - United Kingdom
 
Re:Bad Jokes - Clean Only
Thursday, December 01 2005 @ 01:49 AM CST

yeah! duck jokes!!!

how do you turn a duck into a soul singer???

put him in the microwave until he's/his bill withers!!!

hmmmm.... tells better than it reads!!!

The duke had a mind that ticked like a clock and, like a clock, it regularly went cuckoo. Sir Terry Pratchett, Wyrd Sisters
walkingstick
Forum Full Member


Registered: 08/04/04
Posts: 126
Location: Fairfield, IA United States
 
Re:Bad Jokes - Clean Only
Thursday, December 01 2005 @ 02:15 AM CST

Why are pirates so mean? Because they just Arrrgh

Tower: You have traffic at 10 o'clock,6 miles!
Pilot: Give us another hint, we have digital watches!

Tower: "Say altitude."
Pilot: "ALTITUDE!"
Tower: "Say airspeed."
Pilot: "AIRSPEED!"
Tower: "Say cancel flight plan."
Pilot: "Eight thousand feet, one hundred fifty knots."
Scorpjammer
Forum Full Member


Registered: 08/01/04
Posts: 237
Location: Reading, PA USA
 
Re:Bad Jokes - Clean Only
Friday, December 02 2005 @ 11:57 AM CST

A living Will Is Important To Relationships -

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottl e. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
drakonis
Forum Full Member


Registered: 09/24/04
Posts: 3228
Location: San Diego, CA USA
 
Re:Bad Jokes - Clean Only
Friday, December 02 2005 @ 12:54 PM CST

Luckily for those around me, I cannot remember bad jokes that I'm told. Unfortunately for those around me, I make up my own instead. This one just appeared one morning, and I told it to my aspiring-actor step-son (who has now changed his major, possibly because this was so bad.)
--- Sunday Morning Tale, by Drakonis ---
Discarded in one of those dimly lit alleys we all know to avoid at night, partially obscured by trash and leaves, lay a thick dark spell-book. A block away, disenchanted with his current profession as an out-of-work actor, shuffled a rather inebriated fellow named Chad. Although he had stayed out quite late trying to wash away his self-pity with bartender concoctions, he instinctively took his afternoon shortcut home through this self-same alley. "I can memorize my lines in one reading, and deliver them with panache!" mumbled Chad as he stumbled down the alley. "But it's not my fault, nobody recognizes my talent as a great actor..." he sighed, "... I need to change jobs to... to something more powerful."

Kabonk! Chad's foot slammed into the book, causing his face to quickly observe the pavement, much closer than he ever wished. He picked himself up slowly, and reached down to the book, which seemed now to glow in his presence. It could be nothing else but a sign, he thought, and he trudged home with the book to see what it contained.

Chad's girlfriend had tired of waiting for him and stepped out of their apartment for dinner. When he arrived, he dusted off the untitled book and set it on the nightstand. But when he opened it, he was horribly disappointed to find that it was in some strange runic alphabet he could not read. Even with the alcohol clouding his reason, he correctly guessed that it was some kind of wizard's spell-book, and he got quite excited that it might hold the key to his new line of work. "I could become a powerful wizard now" exclaimed Chad, in a loud booming drunk-actor voice that startled his sleeping cat off the bed. He opened to the first page of writing, hoping that it was a spell to give the reader the power he needed to become a wizard. He took a deep breath, looked at the runes, then up at the reflection of himself in the mirror, and uttered a string of dark wispy words that seemed to come from nowhere. For effect, he frowned and wiggled his fingers at the mirror as he spoke.

Two noises happened simultaneously in the apartment. There was a soft pop that came from the bedroom, and there was a loud "Chad?" voiced from his girlfriend, who had just opened the front door looking for him. "Help! I'm in here" Chad choked out uneasily. She ran into the bedroom to find purple smoke clearing, revealing not her dear out-of-work actor, but instead a large ugly toad sitting on the bed.

"Ugh! This is the last straw! I'm outta here!" she said, and turned in disgust to leave. However, Chad was desperate to present his explanation. "Wait!" he croaked. She stopped momentarily and looked back over her shoulder, awaiting his usual measly speech. The only line Chad could think of to say was, "I was reading for the part of the wizard, but I've been miscast!"
Epileptic Gibbon
Forum Full Member


Registered: 11/30/04
Posts: 1298
Location: Cheltenham, England
 
Re:Bad Jokes - Clean Only
Friday, December 02 2005 @ 04:20 PM CST

Quote by: nyakki
The world needs more duck jokes...



What's the difference between a duck?

Two legs both the same.

Eek!

Check out my music podcast


 
Re:Bad Jokes - Clean Only
Wednesday, December 07 2005 @ 08:58 PM CST

The US government has recently been accused of shipping suspected terrorists to foreign countries where they are being tortured. The UAT (Union of American Torturers) voiced its outrage that perfectly capable American tortureres were not offered the chance to bid on the contracts.
futurefaithmusic
Forum Newbie


Registered: 11/30/05
Posts: 5
Location: Lansing, MI United States
 
Re:Bad Jokes - Clean Only
Wednesday, December 07 2005 @ 09:26 PM CST

Did you hear about the new pirate movie?

It's rated arrrrrgh!



"None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free."
perceptualvortex
Forum Full Member


Registered: 05/04/05
Posts: 685
Location: Seattle, WA USA
 
Re:Bad Jokes - Clean Only
Wednesday, December 07 2005 @ 09:45 PM CST

They say that an optometrist's greatest fear is that he will fall into his lens grinder and make a spectacle of himself.

Unless my eyes deceive me, that's an optical illusion.

Paul_T
Forum Regular Poster


Registered: 03/12/04
Posts: 116
Location: Brooklyn, CT USA
 
Re:Bad Jokes - Clean Only
Thursday, December 08 2005 @ 04:23 AM CST

Here's a joke I learned in the schoolyard as a small boy.

I thought it was hilarious at the time, then, as I got older,
and learned the facts of life, I realized that the joke didn't work.
due to discrepancies in male and female anatomy that I wasn't
aware of at the time. For that reason, it's even funnier to me today.
Brings a smile to my lips every time I think about my naivete.

Okay here goes. After every line I say, you repeat
"rubber balls and liquor." Imagine yourself as an eight-year-old.

What did you have for breakfast?

"Rubber Balls and liquor"

What did you eat for lunch?

"Rubber balls and liquor."

What do you do when you see a girl?

"Rubber balls and liquor." Eek!


I've been over the hill, now I'm coming back.
 
The Composer
Forum Full Member


Registered: 09/19/05
Posts: 442
Location: Melbourne, Victoria Australia
 
Re:Bad Jokes - Clean Only
Thursday, December 08 2005 @ 09:30 AM CST

Ok heres my favourite bad joke EVA!

In a time not far from now there lived the greatest composer the world had ever seen. In his magical hands, even the local high school orchestra would receive standing ovations infront of even the most critical of audiences. However during performance, the conductor made a small mistake... no one else noticed and once again the audiences were overwhelmed with the beauty of the performance... but the conductor notice and knew that this meant that he was now past his prime and that it was time to throw in the towel. So after the applause had died down he announced to the audience that this was infact his last ever performanc and that he was no retiring.

The silence was defeaning, even the termites underneath the stage were speachless... but eventually the audience began to boo and hiss... they considered this man the greatest conductor ever and the last thing they wanted him to do was quit. Despite this he stuck to his descision and walked off stage...

... and then was met by his manager and his two gorrilla sized body guards. "You've still got a contract with me," said his manager, somewhat threateningly "You're going back to work."

Fearing the consequences of defying his manager the conductor went back to work. For several weeks he continued to conduct, but the fact that he believed that he was past his prime continued to bug him. Seeing no other way out of it he turned to wife in bed one night and said;

"Honey, can you get me a hand gun?"

"..zzzz... sure deary...."

Needless to say, the next performance he was accompianied by a gun in his pants. And at the end of the performance he declared that this was once again his last performance and to seal the deal he took out the hand gun and shot the visiting soprano.

Now after the mixture of cheers and hysteria, he was eventually subdude by the theater's security guards and shortly after was sent to court.

"How do you plead to one account of first degree murder?" The judge asked him.
"Guilty as charged." delcared the conductor.

Now under the laws of this particular country, first degree murder was punishible by the electric chair and the conductor soon found himself with a wet sponge on his head and a choice of his last request.

"I want a silver platter with a dozen bananas on it." said the conductor. The platter was soon presented to him and he quickly scoffed down the bananas. Then the moment came for the guard to throw the switch and send him off another world. The lights dimmed and the room smelt of hamburgers leaving the conductor limp and lifeless on the chair.

When the guards came to lift him out the chair, the conductor suddenly came around much to their surprise! And as it turns out, if someone were to survive the electric chair in this country, they are to be set free. So the conductor was set free, once again full of life and was promptly greeted by....

... his manager and the two gorrilla sized bodyguards. "You're going back to work!" grinned the manager. And so the conductor did.... for a week, before asking his wife...

"Honey, can you get me a handgrenade?"

"..zzzz... sure deary...."

During the next performance and only during the interval, the conductor once again declared his retirement and defiantly threw the grenade into the 2nd voilins. This time people were beginning to get a little uneasy... sure, the world was going to be better off without those instruments... but half a dozen people were killed or seriously injured. Needless to say he was quickly aprehended by the cops and speedily brought before the judge.

The judge of course was a little surprised to see the conductor standing before him again... but read his charge anyway.

"How do you plead to 11 counts of first degree murder?" and the conductor was steadfast in his defiance.
"Guilty as charged! I'm just sorry I didn't take out the banjo player aswell!"

Faster than before the conductor found himself with a wet sponge on his head and a choice of his last request.

"I want a silver platter with 2 dozen bananas on it" The bananas were found and were quickly eaten. The crowd was hushed and the switch was thrown. The room smelt of KFC and the conductor lay limp. The guards were quite sure that he was dead and managed to get him out of the room and into a casket... well almost. As they were lowering him into the casket he just sat up and walked out the door... much to the shock of the mortician.

Unfortunately for the conductor though, who should be outside but his manager and the two gorrilla sized bodygaurds. "I've been looking for you... you're going back to work."

The conductor didn't waste anytime this time. The night before his first performance he asked his wife in bed.

"Honey, can you get me a bazooka?"

"..zzzz... sure deary...."

This time, the audience had barely seated themselves before the conductor walked on stage and screamed;

"EAT THIS F@#$ERS!"

And fire the bazooka into balcony which feel onto the 11th to 17th rows and caused a huge amount of havock. There was blood and spare limbs spread everywhere and very soon the national guard was everywhere too trying to contain the panic and drag a kicking and screaming conductor off to the court room. Once again the judge was surprised to see this man still walking, breathing... screaming profanities... but began to read his charge regardless.

"How do you plead to 189 accounts of..."
"GUILTY! THEY @!#$ING DESERVED IT THE @!#$ING !#@$ !@#$ %^^ CHEESE !@#$^!& !^#% IN NO MANS #^!@&# BULLOCKS $%#@#$%^ SPINNACH!"

Needless to say the conductor found himself with a wet sponge on his head and a choice of his last request within minutes.

"I want a silver platter with three dozen bananas on it." The bananas were found and were eaten surprisingly quickly. This time the guards had taken a few more precautions to make sure this conductor ceased to be this time around. When the switch was flicked, the lights dimmed in the guard house and throughout the whole nieghbouring power grid. The conductor glowed, everyones hair stood on end and the room smelt of pancakes. This time he was surely dead.

His funeral was a big occasion, not only did his many fans and friends attended but also scores of people that just wanted to make sure that he was dead. The service was touching and was filled with tears.

However, when his casket was being lowered into the ground... a knock was heard and the lid of the casket opened. Ladies fainted, children screamed and the men became boys once again as the conductor rose out of the casket wondering why his eyebrows were so charred.

This time however, the judge that had sentenced him to death three times now was at the funeral (one of the people that just wanted to make sure he was an Ex-Parrot... err Person) and timidly he approached the composer and asked:

"I have sentence you to death by electrocution now three times, but each time you have survived. What is your secret?"

The conductor took a deep breath and replied...

"Its no secret... I've been trying to tell people for weeks now that I'm a bad conductor"



There it is! My favourite joke EVER. And my enjoyment of it has probably more to do that it wastes at least 20 minutes of someones life than the punchline, but hey! There it is!