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Tryin Hard To Wake From This American Dream


by

dave_b

 Genre: Other
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Description
A major rewrite of version 1 American Dream. Changed from AABA to VCVCBC format.
It should go in the Americana but that genre doesn't exist on MacJams.


Downloads - for a few reasons I won't go into here I don't
want to enable downloads. However, if you want a copy
pm me with your email address and I will send you one.


I commissioned on off-site critique of the first version
of this song American Dream
I thought it would be interesting to include this critique, you can
see my responses to specific points by mousing over the bold text. Don't
click on these links unless you like killing alert boxes :)


===================== Offsite Critique =====================================

David;

Thank you for sending "American Dream"!!! I enjoyed listening to it.

OVERALL--The subject matter of the song is definitely pertinent for
today. That could pose a problem down the line when the economy does
recover and the situation turns around. Of course, that's always the
case when a song is about something as specific as this one. You have
a different twist on the American dream in this one.
It still might be difficult though to grab a listener's interest if they see the
title on a cd because it's been written so many times.


You might see if you could condense your story line and get it all in
2 Verses
. 3 Verses, even when songs aren't overly long, can make
songs feel that way. See if you can get 'American Dream' into a 'V-C-V-C-B-out C' form.

MELODICALLY-- You might think about lifting the melody in the Chorus (Refrain) here. Country listeners expect Choruses to really "zing out" to them--even in mid tempos and ballads. A melodic lift is one of the ways listeners know a song has transitioned from a Verse or pre-Chorus. Sometimes listeners don't totally tune into a song until that 1st Chorus comes around. If it doesn't "smack 'em up side the head" they can lose interest. It might be a good idea to change the melody up in the back halves of the Verses. See if you could make them function
more as a pre-Chorus or Channel. Right now they "feel" long because there's not enough of a melodic variance there. You might also think about not having the interlude between the two parts of the Verses.

The melody feels somewhat "stiff" and stilted in places. I realize part of that might be because the keyboard is playing the melody along with your vocal but it might be something to look at.
LYRICALLY--
This one would be a good candidate for writing in 3rd person --where the singer is "telling the story" instead of "being the story". As a friend of mine says--"the singer is never over 30 and never a loser". Characters in the song can be though as long as the singer is "telling the story" about someone else. As I mentioned up in the MELODIC part, the Choruses should be longer. That will require more "general information" lyrically. The Chorus
should contain information general enough that it explains the title and idea of the song but doesn't go into a story line. See if you could come up with some "general" things that go with your overall idea of "American Dream" and use them to extend the Choruses. The more unique and fresh those ideas are, the better.

The first two Choruses should probably be the same. Once the listener has heard a Chorus he/she will be expecting to be able to sing along with at least part of the next one. If you want to change up the last Chorus that would be ok. You might want to get to the title idea a little quicker in the 1st Verse. I was confused when I heard "I'm walkin' streets just as empty
as my pride"--until quite a bit farther down in the song. Listeners should probably know the character has lost his job before giving them that line. See if you could find some more conversational words for "shuffling", "gleam", "etched" and "redeem". Those words are "poetic" and not "conversational". Country listeners listen to Country music because
it's "real and believable"--and conversational lyrics are what make it that way. If words or phrases aren't conversational many times listeners will tune out. The Bridge needs to connect with listeners more on an emotional
level. It sounds somewhat like a mild "threat" the way it is now. Make listeners "feel" the desperation and hopelessness of the situation here. Probably making the Bridge less poetic would give it
more punch.
I hope this helps some David!!!
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Lyrics
Tryin Hard To Wake From This American Dream
Words & Music Copyright David Brown 2011

Verse 1
=======
A lowering sky in the fading light
Hands in pockets shoulders tight
The pink slip in his faded jeans still burns a hole inside.
The for lease signs are all around.
Been that way since the plants shut down
he's just out there walkin streets as empty as his pride



Chorus
======
And the American Dream is turning dark today
Red White and Blue start to fade to gray
From the office parks to the union halls
People running scared if they can run at all
The jobs are gone, the bailouts wrong
Things aren't what they used to be
And we're trying hard to wake from this American Dream


Verse 2
=====================================
A darkened hall with a flickering light
Moving slowly, arms crossed tight
He waits his turn with all the rest
In the unemployment line
Their faces worn by the desperate times
They all need jobs by week 99
When the checks run out, and their savings go
All their homes are on the line.


Chorus
======
And the American Dream is turning dark today
Red White and Blue start to fade to gray
From the office parks to the union halls
People running scared if they can run at all
The jobs are gone, the bailouts wrong
Things aren't what they used to be
And we're trying hard to wake from this American Dream


Bridge
======

And the endless calls from collection men
fall like a toxic rain
And the sheriff's sale will put him on the street
A cardboard box by the overpass a new home for the pain
Cold and tired, nothing left

Chorus
======
And the American Dream is turning dark today
Red White and Blue start to fade to gray
From the office parks to the union halls
People running scared if they can run at all
Don't get me wrong, our country is strong
But it's not what it used to be
And we're trying hard to wake from this American Dream
Song Stats
Hits: 3219
Comments: 91
Fans: 43
Plays: 152
Downloads: 0
Votes: 2
Uploaded: Mar 05, 2011 - 12:44:41 PM
Last Updated: Mar 05, 2011 - 12:54:11 PM Last Played: Feb 21, 2017 - 03:07:34 PM
Song License
Creative Commons License:
Attribution-NoDerivs-NonCommercial

Creative Commons

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Hardware:
Martin D18, Fender Strat, Presonus Firebox, Shure SM57
Software:
GarageBand, Scarbee Bass, ChannelStrip, Izotope Nectar, IDrum
Comments
Char said 2301 days ago (March 5th, 2011)
Clearly,
this song is important to you. I think you did great. Thanks.
Check out my latest song called When Loving Is One-sided, Music by Bob Rodgers
dave_b said 2301 days ago (March 5th, 2011)
reply
Hi Char, thanks for listening and commenting, glad you liked it.
Check out my latest song called Llarions Blues
jodyrush said 2301 days ago (March 5th, 2011)
Nice Melody
Good lyrics Dave. Nice bridge and very well recorded and produced.
Check out my latest song called Forbidden Fruit
dave_b said 2301 days ago (March 5th, 2011)
reply
Hi Jody, thanks for the listen and the comment, glad you liked it!
Check out my latest song called Llarions Blues
sammydix said 2301 days ago (March 5th, 2011)
Hmmmmm
some of what the crit stated had *some* validity--mainly on the more 'technical' side. And you addressed that, but some of it was pure wash. ...change this/too poetic..., BAH.

But even after all that, i do like this version better. more relaxed and natural sounding.
Check out my latest song called Time and a Word
dave_b said 2301 days ago (March 5th, 2011)
reply
Hi Sam, thanks for listening & commenting. I agree with you that some points the crit raised were more important then others. The one about the poetic words raised my eyebrows as well. Then I started plugging song lyrics into a readability scoring tool and found out that most of them read around the 4th grade level - and that some of the words flagged in the crit raised the grade level on the readability score - food for thought! Glad you thought this version is an improvement.
Check out my latest song called Llarions Blues
sammydix said 2301 days ago (March 5th, 2011)
OMG!!!
Too scary...
Check out my latest song called Time and a Word
mrattue said 2301 days ago (March 5th, 2011)
Nice
Sounds like a nicely arranged, bright track, to me. The trouble with someone else's critique is that it is just that, and only a single voice.

It sounds quite commercially viable to me, though i don't know if the confident, bright sound really accords precisely with the downbeat feel of the lyrics?

Enjoyed it, anyway, and i salute the way you see this track as a process that might take a considerable time to get right. Shows you care about it. Respect that.

Enjoyed.

Marc
Check out my latest song called Second Wind
dave_b said 2301 days ago (March 5th, 2011)
reply
Hi Marc, Thanks for listening & commenting. You make a valid point about the bright sound, I think that would be taken care of with a little less busy arrangement, different production, and a different vocal. I also appreciate you noticing the process. It seems like it's always something, and its never done. Despite that keep trying right?
Check out my latest song called Llarions Blues
alackbass said 2301 days ago (March 5th, 2011)
Tryin Hard To Wake From This American Dream
Maybe alternative country? The chorus has a cool Jackson Browne vibe. Well written meaningful lyrics.
Check out my latest song called Mean Miss Teacher
dave_b said 2301 days ago (March 5th, 2011)
reply
Hi Andrew, thanks for listening & commenting. Jackson Browne was one of my favorites growing up so I'm not surprised that you hear that influence. Glad you liked the lyrics, worked hard on those.
Check out my latest song called Llarions Blues
dave_b said 2301 days ago (March 5th, 2011)
reply
Oh, and I think alt country is another name for Americana.
Check out my latest song called Llarions Blues
Moviz said 2301 days ago (March 5th, 2011)
Sounds great
to me Dave and I enjoyed it.... it's one of those songs and performances that are so comfortable, it sounds as if we've always known it (i mean that in a good way of course) excellent lyrics that cover this time just as well as it might have in other times when things have been rough. Regarding the critiques, I think some people just give themselves jobs; ' Pernickety' comes to mind and.... as others have said some things are relevant, but others ? Well! I enjoyed this very much and so will others, regards M
Check out my latest song called Angels
dave_b said 2301 days ago (March 5th, 2011)
reply
Hi Maurice, thanks for listening and commenting. Glad you liked it. I'm not upset with the critique at all, thought most of it was right on. I thought it would be interesting for others to see it since most of the critiques we give each other around here go to production and arrangement.
Check out my latest song called Llarions Blues
Vic Holman said 2300 days ago (March 5th, 2011)
Tryin Hard To Wake From This American Dream
very nicely done Dave. solid tune and nicely detailed in performance & production.

there is a 70's so cal country rock style (early eagles, jackson brown) that you have nailed.
Check out my latest song called Strawberry Fields
dave_b said 2300 days ago (March 5th, 2011)
reply
Hi Vic, thanks for listening and commenting, glad you liked it. I grew up on Eagles and Jackson Browne so I'm not surprised you hear those influences - I always dug their music so I take what you said as a big compliment!
Check out my latest song called Llarions Blues
jdholliday said 2300 days ago (March 5th, 2011)
Hello Dave
I hope all is well friend, you've worked hard on this song and made significant improvements, much better, I agree with the Eagles/ Jackson Brown similarities, excellent production.
Check out my latest song called Please Help, Pride of NYC needs tracks!
dave_b said 2300 days ago (March 5th, 2011)
reply
Hey bro, how goes it? Thanks for listening and commenting glad you like this version better.
Check out my latest song called Llarions Blues
jfisenne said 2300 days ago (March 5th, 2011)
I liked
this song. Very well done. On my computer, the song ends quickly when I expected the last note to last for a while.
Check out my latest song called A Swan Song
dave_b said 2300 days ago (March 5th, 2011)
reply
Hi J, thanks for listening & commenting, glad you liked it. I'll have to go back and listen to that ending again.
Check out my latest song called Llarions Blues
davisamerica said 2300 days ago (March 5th, 2011)
damn
comfy tune....nice one.
Check out my latest song called empathy
dave_b said 2300 days ago (March 5th, 2011)
reply
Hi Jack, thanks for listening & commenting, glad you liked!
Check out my latest song called Llarions Blues
michaeljayklein said 2300 days ago (March 5th, 2011)
Dave!
This was @($&#&@* excellent--man oh man--easily one of your best and I don't know where to start with the kudos on this! That is some helpful feedback you received and you made fine use of it. It was well worth the wait to hear this--thanks for sharing it and applause for a job well done here (and PS: my addy is michaeljayklein500@gmail. com and I would very much appreciate a copy of this if you have time--thanks!) Michael
Check out my latest song called There Ain't Nobody Here but Us Chickens!
dave_b said 2300 days ago (March 6th, 2011)
reply
Hi Michael, Thanks for listening & commenting. Glad you feel it was worth the wait, it took me long enough. An mp3 should be in you mailbox by the time you read this.
Check out my latest song called Llarions Blues
lavalamp said 2300 days ago (March 6th, 2011)
Great lyrics
This is Buffalo Springfield's missing single.

Nice work!

LL
Check out my latest song called The Shallow People
dave_b said 2300 days ago (March 6th, 2011)
reply
Hi Dave, thanks for listening & commenting. Buffalo Springfield broke up too soon, they had a lot of groundbreaking material. Thanks for noticing the lyrics, worked hard on those.
Check out my latest song called Llarions Blues
magnatone said 2300 days ago (March 6th, 2011)
Tryin' Hard
what fabulous, thoughtful lyrics dave! this is excellent!
Check out my latest song called Hallelujah (Leonard Cohen) and Variations
dave_b said 2300 days ago (March 6th, 2011)
reply
Hi Karen, thanks for the listen and the comment. Glad you noticed the lyrics, I worked hard on those.
Check out my latest song called Llarions Blues
ShadowofNine said 2300 days ago (March 6th, 2011)
Well I like it
I am so often turned off by critiques so often they want to rewrite your song and so often the stuff they harp on is meager stuff...thats my take anyway 99% is disposable...I enjoyed the listen...
Check out my latest song called Gone (with Eagle)
dave_b said 2300 days ago (March 6th, 2011)
reply
Hi Dave, thanks for listening & commenting glad you liked it. Sounds like you had some bad experiences with crits, probably some interesting stories there.
Check out my latest song called Llarions Blues
KCsGROOVE said 2300 days ago (March 6th, 2011)
good song
Dig the lyrics,
Vocals and harmonies are great!
Fine guitars!
KC
Check out my latest song called KEEP ON ROLLIN'
dave_b said 2300 days ago (March 6th, 2011)
reply
Hi Cees,
Thanks for listening and commenting. Glad you noticed the lyrics, I worked hard on those.
Check out my latest song called Llarions Blues
DWL said 2299 days ago (March 7th, 2011)
Shades of Steve Earle
An interesting take on what the American Dream means now.

I think the critique raises some interesting points IF you want to sell this song to the country market. They assume that anyone listening to country have few brain cells. I'm not being nasty as I've had some "country" songs professionally critiqued and I was shocked at how prescriptive and dull they expected the songs to be.

This version sounds very good to me and stands as a fine piece of work.

Cheers

Dick
Check out my latest song called War with Spain
dave_b said 2299 days ago (March 7th, 2011)
reply
Hi Dick thanks for listening & commenting, glad you liked it. I agree with you that the focus of the critique is towards developing the song for a broad market. I took it as a challenge to try to preserve what I felt was important in the original version while staying within the guidelines imposed by the critique. Thanks for the Steve Earle reference, I'm not familiar with his work but I googled him and checked out a couple of tracks, cool stuff.
Check out my latest song called Llarions Blues
BlueFlameRoom said 2299 days ago (March 7th, 2011)
Not hard to hear the ......
Urgency in this and the heartfelt fear.
But yet hope .......
Check out my latest song called Why are you so sad?
dave_b said 2299 days ago (March 7th, 2011)
reply
The scary part is is that I don't see anything on the horizon that's going to elevate the middle class again. I'm afraid that there are going to be about 100 people with good jobs and the rest of us will make hamburgers. Want some fries with that? Thanks for listening & commenting.
Check out my latest song called Llarions Blues
fasteddie said 2298 days ago (March 7th, 2011)
Nicely done!
You abviously put a lot of work into this and it sounds great.

This definitely captures the mood of the current state of affairs.

I really like the lyrics and you did a knock down job with the vocals.

Great job. (I think the end cut off about 3 seconds early)

Thanks for posting man!

Check out my latest song called On Borrowed Time
BlueAttitude said 2298 days ago (March 8th, 2011)
Eagles ....
Sounds like something they would have wrote back in the day, has that vibe. Well written and performed song in my opinion. Is this you playing guitar? Very tasty playing, right in the pocket. Enjoyed!
Check out my latest song called Midnight Romp (w/ awigze)
dave_b said 2298 days ago (March 8th, 2011)
reply
Hi Dave, thanks for listening & commenting. I grew up on the Eagles so I'm not surprised you hear that influence. All me on guitar, glad you liked it. I dug your latest with Andy, cool stuff.
Check out my latest song called Llarions Blues
Bob Rodgers said 2298 days ago (March 8th, 2011)
A
wonderful song, great arrangement and lyrics.
I do like your vocals, well sung and a great production, a great listen and very much enjoyed.

Bob
Check out my latest song called The Lonely Man
dave_b said 2298 days ago (March 8th, 2011)
reply
Hi Bob, Thanks for listening & commenting, glad you liked the song. I'm not really a singer, so if I can get to the "not too painful" category I'm happy :). When are we going to see a new one from you?
Check out my latest song called Llarions Blues
richard13 said 2297 days ago (March 9th, 2011)
This is great Dave, though just a little depressing ;-)
The lengthy critique is amazing and it's particularly educational to see what you did or didn't change. Well done.
Check out my latest song called one last night with you
dave_b said 2297 days ago (March 9th, 2011)
reply
Hi Richard, thanks for listening & commenting, glad you liked it. Depression is what it's supposed to evoke, so I'm happy it made you sad!
Check out my latest song called Llarions Blues
blaky smith said 2297 days ago (March 9th, 2011)
Cool
Great piece Dave, on every way, I like what you have made, really a great pleasure to listen. Enjoyed !
Marc
Check out my latest song called Un jour de d├ęcembre
dave_b said 2297 days ago (March 9th, 2011)
reply
Hi Marc good to see around these parts, thanks for listening & commenting, glad you liked it!
Check out my latest song called Llarions Blues
PeterB7858 said 2296 days ago (March 10th, 2011)
...lyrics as good as these.
Hi Dave. As others have pointed out, the Jackson Browne influence is evident. Me thinks JB would be proud of lyrics as good as these. The end result of your initial version and the advice you filtered is one fantastic song. The chorus is one that will stick around in my head for a while yet. Congratulations. Take care, Peter.
Check out my latest song called Dancing In The Rain (GSB)
dave_b said 2296 days ago (March 10th, 2011)
reply
Hi Peter, thanks for listening & commenting and for your kind words. Thanks for noticing the lyrics, I worked hard on those. Nice job on "Down By The River", I commented on it over there.
Check out my latest song called Llarions Blues
ted23 said 2296 days ago (March 10th, 2011)
Fine!
The knopfler style and tones in your excellent playing really suit the song so well. It's a greatly pleasing tune (not the subject) in it's ease of listenabilty.
Great stuff! Really lit up by your guitars and melody ideas.
dave_b said 2296 days ago (March 10th, 2011)
reply
Hi Ed, thanks for listening & commenting, glad you liked my noodling around :)
Check out my latest song called Llarions Blues
tonestones said 2296 days ago (March 10th, 2011)
American Dream
Dave, great job on this. I'm glad you included the notes from the "off-site critique". I listened to the original and I think this version is better. I like the structure. The lyrics are very good. Thanks for posting this.
Check out my latest song called Hallelujah [Leonard Cohen Cover]
dave_b said 2296 days ago (March 10th, 2011)
reply
Hi Steve, thanks for listening & commenting, and special thanks for listening to the original and comparing them. Glad you think it's moving in the right direction. I dug "Inspiration" really great work.
Check out my latest song called Llarions Blues
sonnyjim said 2296 days ago (March 10th, 2011)
Tradition
Great job on this! A solid song with lots of conviction in both the writing and the performances. Rebounce it to let that final tail ring out, but don't change anything else.
Thanks you for this.
SJ
Check out my latest song called A Bell In The Valley
dave_b said 2296 days ago (March 10th, 2011)
reply
Hi SJ, Thanks for listening & commenting. Yeah you're the 3rd person to notice the truncated tail wish I could fix it without reposting :sigh:. Thanks for your kind words, I worked hard on it!
Check out my latest song called Llarions Blues
Loob said 2296 days ago (March 10th, 2011)
Good work Dave.
And ain't it the truth? Good stuff!
dave_b said 2295 days ago (March 10th, 2011)
reply
Hi Fred, thanks for listening & commenting. I'm not in a cardboard box yet but I'm definitely still feeling the effects of this mess, along with a lot of others. Glad you liked it!
Check out my latest song called Llarions Blues
papag said 2295 days ago (March 10th, 2011)
Tale of the times
You did a great job bringing out the current angst in today's climate. The mix is sweet, I especially like the treatments on the voice and guitar.
Check out my latest song called Chinese Flutes (first draft)
dave_b said 2295 days ago (March 11th, 2011)
reply
Hi Papag, Thanks for the listen & comment. A little panning, a little verb, and then the presets on ChannelStrip for GB! Glad you liked this one.
Check out my latest song called Llarions Blues
neilh79 said 2295 days ago (March 11th, 2011)
American Dream
Really good tune man, love the lyrics well done
dave_b said 2295 days ago (March 11th, 2011)
reply
Hi Neil, thanks for the listen & comment, glad you dug it!
Check out my latest song called Llarions Blues
lholden said 2295 days ago (March 11th, 2011)
Wake Up
I love the lyrics on this. You have some very nice sounds here. Well done and thanks for sharing.
Check out my latest song called If Only We Could
dave_b said 2294 days ago (March 11th, 2011)
reply
Hi Laura, thanks for listening & commenting, I'm happy you liked the song.
Check out my latest song called Llarions Blues
billykirsch said 2294 days ago (March 12th, 2011)
Poetry
I see where you are going Dave. The changes worked for me. On the other hand, after reading the critic's comment I see why all country music tends to sound the same, at least to my ears.
I read your note about the readability index of the lyrics. Don't give that too much importance. I put some completely non-sense text (the one you titled 'fitted jean blues', remember? :-) that is unreadable (not that unreadable text approaches poetry in any way ;-) and it resulted in a 2 years degree. A true poem (Love in the asylum, Dylan Thomas) gave an average slightly over 4. So, in the end may be your lyrics contain actually too much poetry... ;-)
Those indexes are based on the length of syllables, characters and sentences. I don't know of any reliable 'poetry index' though. That could be an interesting exercise for a course on artificial intelligence.

Check out my latest song called Everything
billykirsch said 2294 days ago (March 12th, 2011)
30
The comment about the singer never more than 30 years old and never a loser was an interesting observation. I'll have to start writing everything in 3rd person...

Check out my latest song called Everything
dave_b said 2294 days ago (March 12th, 2011)
reply
Hi Billy, thanks for listening & commenting, glad you think the changes are going in the right direction. I don't take the readability indexes too seriously, but I do think that if you plug in 100 songs and they're all within a certain range for grade level, and your song is twice the average, then maybe its time to rethink the lyrics. As you said, they are based on sentences, and sometimes song lyrics/ poems are not in sentences. So then it becomes a question of where to place the periods to end the "sentences" - the more of them, the lower the grade level score.
Check out my latest song called Llarions Blues
dave_b said 2294 days ago (March 12th, 2011)
Reply
Re 1st versus 3rd - I think the 3rd person rule works for country for this type of song. I got curious and did a little poking around the web:

1. JJ Cale "Unemployment"(Blues)
1st (singer cast as loser)

2. Allentown Billy Joel
"we're living here in Allentown"
1st (singer cast a loser)

3. Johnny99 Bruce Springsteen (Folk Rock)
mixed 1st and third


4. Cafe On the Corner Sawyer Brown (Country)
3rd

5. Computer Took My Job Maurice John Vaughn (Blues)
1st

6. Shuttin Detroit Down John Rich (Country)
mixed 1st & 3rd (singer not cast as loser)

7. Blue Collar Man (Styx) (Rock)
1st

8. Fred Jones Part 2 Ben Folds (Pop)
3rd

9. Brother, Can You Spare A Dime Bing Crosby (Swing)
1st


10. Don't Give Up Peter Gabriel (Rock)
1st


Youngstown (Bruce Springsteen) (Rock)
1st




Check out my latest song called Llarions Blues
Lagusaya2 said 2291 days ago (March 14th, 2011)
Critique
Dave ...

I was paying attention to your commissioned critique (wonder how much you paid?)...

Then I read your lyric - well done indeed.

I'm not sure I agree with writing on this subject in the 3rd person. I would say an experience from a 1st person on this topic would be more hard-hitting.

But your melody is too gentle for this subject. I didn't hear desperation, anger, angst, sorrow. If your American Dream (by using "American" you tied nationalism to the song...but I didn't hear or read anything about the country.) is smashed, you have to be more upset...hence I want to hear real loud angry hot guitars and hard-hitting drums and loud bass!

Just my opinion. Sorry to be so open!

Stan
Check out my latest song called Precious Words
dave_b said 2291 days ago (March 14th, 2011)
reply
Hi Stan, thanks for your detailed and forthright comment. I think the song's use of "American Dream" as a hook makes it a song that mostly Americans (and maybe not non-Americans) will potentially relate to. If that is the point you are trying to make. I think I'm ok with that. This crisis is one that engenders many emotions including sorrow, regret, fear and hope. Although anger is one of them, it wouldn't necessarily be felt by someone telling a 3rd person story about someone else, although it might work well in a more personal song written in the first person like you suggest. Anyways, the topic has certainly been mined before, and I'll certainly listen to your take on it should you decided to tackle it!
Check out my latest song called Llarions Blues
Doadars Uncle said 2286 days ago (March 20th, 2011)
A page of time
This is an important chronicle of our time. Nicely done!
Check out my latest song called Don't Leave (remix)
dave_b said 2286 days ago (March 20th, 2011)
reply
Thanks Doug, kind of in the same vein as your latest. Thanks for dropping by man!
Check out my latest song called Llarions Blues
jibes said 2285 days ago (March 21st, 2011)
This American Dream
Dave. I like this very much! Excellent!
Check out my latest song called JESSICA
dave_b said 2283 days ago (March 23rd, 2011)
reply
Hi Neil, thanks for listening & commenting, glad you liked it!
Check out my latest song called Llarions Blues
bud said 2283 days ago (March 22nd, 2011)
Really solid song Dave
I skipped the crit notes for this listen - got too involved in the song. Excellent lyrics and fine vocals - good twist on the dream analogy. I like the arrangement and guitar work too. I also happen to play a Martin D18. Nice.
Check out my latest song called pjinky
dave_b said 2283 days ago (March 23rd, 2011)
reply
Hi Kevin, thanks for listening & commenting. Glad you liked this one, I worked hard on it! I've had that D18 for 30 years now.
Check out my latest song called Llarions Blues
Corporal Beef said 2279 days ago (March 27th, 2011)
American Dream II
OK, this one is definitely more commercially viable. It has all the predictable changes and hooks. By all accounts this is the better version.

I liked the first version better. Understand that my viewpoint is not the viewpoint of your average music listener, so take my opinion for what it's worth.

Thanks for posting. It was interesting to read the feedback.
Check out my latest song called (SRC 2013) SECCHI A CME0054
dave_b said 2279 days ago (March 27th, 2011)
reply
Hi Jason, thanks for listening & commenting. I think the critique was predicated on pushing things in a more commercially viable direction, and I figured I'd take a shot at doing things that way, I don't think this version detracts from the first version at all. I think that there are not too many average music listeners here at MJ's, and I'm a little surprised that I didn't get more opinions similar to yours!
Check out my latest song called Llarions Blues
JBurns said 2274 days ago (April 1st, 2011)
americana
Has a blend of country and Americana to me. I enjoyed it. The blend of bright chords and dark lyrics has been used successfully in the past. Good luck in the development and thanks for sharing.
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dave_b said 2274 days ago (April 1st, 2011)
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Hi Jay, thanks for listening & commenting, glad you liked it, and welcome to MJ's!
Check out my latest song called Llarions Blues
ktb said 2273 days ago (April 2nd, 2011)
American dream
Dave, kudo's to you for seeking 3rd party critique of your original track. I doubt I'd have the guts :-) Still it seemed to be sound advice (no pun intended). A solid mid tempo ballad, with heartfelt vocals. A little Bruce in there to me. Nicely done
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dave_b said 2273 days ago (April 2nd, 2011)
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Hi John, thanks for listening & commenting. I grew up on Bruce so to me that's high praise indeed! I learned a lot from the critique and I would seek them out in the future.
Check out my latest song called Llarions Blues
Jerry_Quinn said 2264 days ago (April 11th, 2011)
Tryin Hard To Wake...
Great song!Grabbed me.
Check out my latest song called I Had a Dream Last Night w/ alackbass & ktb
dave_b said 2264 days ago (April 11th, 2011)
rep;y
Hi Jerry, good to see you around these parts again. Thanks for listening & commenting, glad you dug it.
Check out my latest song called Llarions Blues
SISTERS said 2260 days ago (April 15th, 2011)
i like the melody best
the verse's melody sounds instantly familiar to me = i like it a lot.
nice job on the harmony, dave.
music sounds strong to me.
enjoyed your work here,
anne
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dave_b said 2260 days ago (April 15th, 2011)
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Hi Anne, thanks for listening & commenting. Glad you liked it. I wish I could sing as well as you do!
Check out my latest song called Llarions Blues
lyzak said 2260 days ago (April 15th, 2011)
I like both versions
Your voice fits the observations in your song well, and tasteful rolling guitar work draws me in and moves the words along. This version is more confident and... experienced. Version 1 has a vulnerability that moves me as well.
My attention span for lyrics often is challenged, but not on this song.
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dave_b said 2259 days ago (April 15th, 2011)
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Hi Greg, thanks for dropping in and commenting. As you can tell, I'm not really a singer, so if the vocals aren't too painful, that's a good thing. Glad you liked both versions, and welcome to MJs!
Check out my latest song called Llarions Blues
smokey bacon jnr said 2253 days ago (April 22nd, 2011)
young dream
Has a slightly Neil Young vibe, which is never a bad thing! Nice chord progression - works really well with the lyrics. Your voice sounds slightly strained in parts where you're reaching for a higher note - maybe it'd be better to go down and not up? Sounds very professional to me.
Check out my latest song called April
dave_b said 2253 days ago (April 22nd, 2011)
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Hi Smokey, thanks for the listen and the comment, glad you liked it. I don't really sing, I was just going for not too painful. Neil was one of my favorites growing up so thanks for that.
Check out my latest song called Llarions Blues
Leon said 2246 days ago (April 28th, 2011)
I'm an American
Naturalized citizen here, but songs like these ignite the sentiments that made me proud to be American even while I do not relinquish my native roots. It's the American dream, and we live a day in realization of that dream each passing day. Great message, and the musical quality that carries it rivals that message in the praise and attention it deserves!
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dave_b said 2246 days ago (April 29th, 2011)
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Hi Leon, thanks for listening & commenting, glad you dug the song.. I hope for all of our sakes that things turn around, and not just for the fat cats!
Check out my latest song called Llarions Blues
ste said 2242 days ago (May 2nd, 2011)
not
bad critique. he seems to have spent time. I like the song. gentle music and important lyrics. like the guitar sounds
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dave_b said 2238 days ago (May 7th, 2011)
Reply
Hi Ste, thanks for listening & commenting, glad you liked the song. Hope you get a new assignment more to your liking!
Check out my latest song called Llarions Blues
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